1st Date Jitters?...Tips to ease the Pain!

As a self-professed professional 1st Dater I have tons of stories to share and a host of my own tips to keep my fellow daters from tripping down the same road over and over again. 1st Dates are the kick off to what is either going to be a series of dates and then possibly relationship or a great cautionary tale to relay to pals over a glass over wine on a Saturday night. For the most part, both  Men and Women make the same mistakes just in different ways. Showing up a little tipsy, showing up tardy and just plain old not showing up at all can be huge deterants to creating an ideal first impression.

In my experience my friends have tons of great stories and tips to share with me, so I thought what better way to kick off our Advice Blogging than to ask my friends for input on their Top 5 Rules/Tips!! I've asked Jolene of To Be Determined and Melissa of This is Why I Date to share some of their best advice for making 1st Dates a success or at least tolerable...read on and be amazed!



Jolene: the Born-Again Dater

While I most certainly wouldn't call myself a dating expert by any stretch of the imagination, I would call myself two things - a "born-again dater" (my last date was well over 10 years ago, prior to my marriage, which has now ended, as of last year) and a cautiously-optimistic-yet-crash-and-learn" dater. What does that second moniker mean? Well, I guess I call myself that, because I jumped into dating with both feet last July, and went on a slew of dates between then and December 2009 (about 10-12 different prospects, I mean, guys), most of which ended up being one-date wonders. It was frustrating at times, because I wondered why some of these seemingly promising first dates crashed and burned and never made it to date two or more.


Was I naive?
Maybe.

Was I inexperienced at the "signs?"
Hell yes.

Was it worth the one-date wonders and two-date nowheres?
Hell yeah.

Why? Because I've learned so much from every single date (check out my man audit here!) and I'm still learning. Fast forward to now, and I've had two quasi-maybe-kinda-sorta-almost relationships (more like dating exclusively, with a couple of guys, but not serious enough for the boyfriend/girlfriend "label" by any stretch) and am now back on the single girl train, looking forward. And, based on my experiences so far, here are some of the dating tips I've learned, and would suggest to others (both singles and post-divorce men and women like me, jumping back into the sometimes-scary dating pool).

- Have one drink...not 5. For me, having a glass of wine does two things - helps me loosen up just a bit, shakes out the nerves (but not enough to make me say or do things I'd regret later!) and give me a fantastic discussion platform - wine itself! I'm a huge wine fan, and can talk about what I love, what I don't, what I've tried and my "mecca" - wine country itself ;-)


- Don't talk about your exes...especially if the "ex" ends in "husband" (or wife!). For me, I try not to talk about my divorce, unless asked, and even if asked, I try not to focus on it much since it's no longer relevant, per se, to the date itself. It's part of my past, it's helped me figure out what I want, but it certainly isn't baggage or any sort of red flag for potential daters, and honestly, it's not really any of their business, completely on the first date.


- Don't bitch about your online dating mishaps or horror stories. It's just lame (if of course, this is how you met said dating prospect). Again, if asked, I think it's fine to share a few minor details, but not things like how long you've been on (they could find that out, probably, if they really wanted to!), worst dates, weirdest people to approach you, etc. Let's face it, as fun as it may be to poke fun or talk about, that's a better convo for your friends, or, once you're actually in a relationship with that person (if it goes that far, of course!) and you can laugh about it.


- Go into it with optimism, but not low or high expectations. Middle of the road is where I feel most comfortable, in terms of my mindset (and maybe this isn't really a tip for the date itself, but for you, as you launch into it) when I go into a first date, because you don't want to get let down, of course, but you don't want to go into it with a negative attitude either. I just think it comes through if you appear confident, yet open.


- Handshake? Hug? Kiss? In terms of closing out the date...I've always gone with the flow of it, in terms of how I feel, so I can't put a hard and fast rule here (though, to be honest, I've never had a first date makeout session, not sure how I'd feel about that - again, remember, I've only been dating for less than a year post-divorce!) but it should be based on your comfort, interest, and chemistry.


And one final note - I think healthy silence on a first date is okay - almost good, in a way, to see how you react when the convo lulls...can it be awkward - sure - but can it also be telling - sure - because if you can sustain a brief silence on a date, without it being weird, I just think that can be a good sign.

So, those are some of my tips - what do you think? I know I'll likely accrue more as I get back into the dating game, but these are some of my big things, for starters, on a first date. Good luck - and have fun - bottom line...because, at the end of the day, while it's a date, it's also just a date (in a way), and not rocket science.
 
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And...Melissa: the Chronic First Dater
 
I'm a chronic first dater. I have experienced way too many first dates – lunch dates, brunch dates, dinner dates, bar dates. You name it – I’ve had it. So when I was asked to write my top five tips for a first date, I thought it would be easy to come up with. It wasn't! There are so many things to consider on a first date - what to say; what not say; how early do you meet; if you like the person - can you kiss them; do you mention friends, family, animals? You get the drift. It can be exhausting.

But as I began to noodle it more, these are the top things I think about whenever I go on a first date. But I'm definitely interested to hear if there are any other ideas you may have.

Here we go:

• Have Some PC-related Questions Ready: Never lead in with religion or politics (that happened to me recently and the dude tanked miserably in my mind.) But think of things that interest you and that you want to learn from your date, such as events that are taking place in your area; vacations you are looking into; restaurants you like. Hopefully it will spark his/her interest and you can find things you have in common.
• Leave Work at Work: Work is a fine subject to talk about (I mean, we spend most of our time there.) But if you had a bad day and you need to bitch to someone about it – call your friends/family/your own answering machine ahead of the date and get it out of your system. You don’t want to start off the date with such a negative tone. It can leave such a bad taste in his/her mouth (mind out of the gutter, please!)
• Dress Appropriately: I know, I know, it sounds superficial - but it’s true. If you’re going to a nice bar after work, then work attire is fine. However, if you’re meeting up for brunch on a Sunday, then you need to wear something more casual. It sounds like it should be second nature, but as a woman, I try to always dress to the 9s. If you’re going to a bar or to brunch, toning down the outfit (and makeup) is appropriate.
• Stop, Breathe, Exhale: Most people want to be heard. Most people want their dates to be interested in learning about them. Knowing what you want to say about yourself and having questions in your backpocket is one thing. Monopolizing the conversation is completely another. If you feel you're talking to much then just stop, breathe, exhale. See if the other person chimes in - you may be surprised.
• Put the Cell Phone Away: Again, another thing one would think is second nature. I don't care how busy you are, if you made time for this person, don't check your phone when he/she is around. I'm sounding like my mother - but it's just plain rude. Don't answer texts from friends. And don't check work email. It is only two hours out of your life if you don't like person (longer if you do!) - you can at least give them the common courtesy if giving them your attention. If you feel you have to absolutely, positively check your Facebook or Twitter account, do what I do and politely excuse yourself and check it in the bathroom. It does work!

I hope these are helpful! I wish you the best of luck - and above all, have fun!!

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To wrap it up, remember 1st Dates should be fun and drama free!! Just be yourself and don't expect perfection from the first second. Dating is a learning experience and everyone's journey is different.

Thanks to our ladies for sharing their wicked cool 1st Date Tips and if you're interested in reading more about these awesome hotties, check out their Blogs at the links above or follow them on twitter for more Dating Adventures!! (@tbdetermined_09 & @mlane2000)

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